EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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