he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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