She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
