I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
