u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
