ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This house was built for laser tag.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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