Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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