There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
