toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
