Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
