Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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