I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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