Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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