so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
