I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
