I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
