My friends, they love my intelligence
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
