i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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