I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
