passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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