why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
