1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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