I feel great
I just peed on a car
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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