Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
