Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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