his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
