if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
