I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
