So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
