He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
