watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like abortions should bother me more
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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