Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
