Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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