you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
