the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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