Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
