please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
