my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
