Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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