i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
