a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
