you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Randomize
