you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
