you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
