I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
