According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
