go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
