I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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