she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
