I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
