we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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