Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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