Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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