Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
