I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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