just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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