I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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